My name is Ann Miller. I'm a wife of 34 years, a mother of two, a grandmother of one. My career was retail management until I left it to be a stay at home mom. I took my kids to church, to scouts, to the lake, and to the library. My husband has his own business as a financial advisor and educator. We own a home, two cars, and a boat. We work, shop, pay taxes, save for retirement, and live in the absolutely most conventional way imaginable. And we have a transgender son.
A transgender guy is assigned female at birth and in our child's case, lived 17 years as a female. I can look back on his growing up now with clarity and realize how much in denial I was about his struggle. I first heard about transgender children when my child was about eight or nine. I remember thinking then, "Oh no! I might have this in my future." because said assigned girl child was so very insistent on loving all things boyish: wanting to wear boy clothes, play "boy" games, have boys as friends, etc. I remember burying the feeling that this child might be transgender. I didn't want that harder life for my kid.
Our child struggled with his identity even more in high school, throwing himself into competitive music and getting straight A's in his coursework. I now see how he was hiding a deep deep pain behind the perfectionism, the pain of not fitting with the world's expectations.
As our son came out, my husband and I felt like the world had tilted on its axis. Suddenly our lives were full of unknowns and dangers. We cried rivers of tears, not because we were losing something, but because we were so very worried about the well-being of our child. We consulted specialists, gender therapists, medical professionals and other parents who had walked a similar path. The process was achingly slow, but the answers were very clear: supporting your child's realized gender reality is the best way to ensure that child's happiness and sense of worth. We educated ourselves, then our families, then neighbors and friends.
I have some deep regrets, including not having the courage to explore his gender diversity at a younger age. I could have protected him from years of mental anguish, including having to go through two puberties, first as a girl and then as a guy. Earlier treatment, including the use of puberty blockers and hormone therapy, could have saved him a surgery. Fear of the unknown kept me ignorant then. Thankfully, no longer. Now, I can't imagine being the mother of a daughter, even though I thought I had one for 17 years.
Our child is a man now. He lives his life completely as a guy and has transitioned socially, and physically to the extent that he would like. As he took each step in his transition, I saw him becoming more and more the person he was always meant to be. This soul that stands before me now is so handsome and so courageous that I am in awe of his drive towards authenticity. I learn from him every day.
What does the family with a transgender kid look like? It looks like this.
A transgender guy is assigned female at birth and in our child's case, lived 17 years as a female. I can look back on his growing up now with clarity and realize how much in denial I was about his struggle. I first heard about transgender children when my child was about eight or nine. I remember thinking then, "Oh no! I might have this in my future." because said assigned girl child was so very insistent on loving all things boyish: wanting to wear boy clothes, play "boy" games, have boys as friends, etc. I remember burying the feeling that this child might be transgender. I didn't want that harder life for my kid.
Our child struggled with his identity even more in high school, throwing himself into competitive music and getting straight A's in his coursework. I now see how he was hiding a deep deep pain behind the perfectionism, the pain of not fitting with the world's expectations.
As our son came out, my husband and I felt like the world had tilted on its axis. Suddenly our lives were full of unknowns and dangers. We cried rivers of tears, not because we were losing something, but because we were so very worried about the well-being of our child. We consulted specialists, gender therapists, medical professionals and other parents who had walked a similar path. The process was achingly slow, but the answers were very clear: supporting your child's realized gender reality is the best way to ensure that child's happiness and sense of worth. We educated ourselves, then our families, then neighbors and friends.
I have some deep regrets, including not having the courage to explore his gender diversity at a younger age. I could have protected him from years of mental anguish, including having to go through two puberties, first as a girl and then as a guy. Earlier treatment, including the use of puberty blockers and hormone therapy, could have saved him a surgery. Fear of the unknown kept me ignorant then. Thankfully, no longer. Now, I can't imagine being the mother of a daughter, even though I thought I had one for 17 years.
Our child is a man now. He lives his life completely as a guy and has transitioned socially, and physically to the extent that he would like. As he took each step in his transition, I saw him becoming more and more the person he was always meant to be. This soul that stands before me now is so handsome and so courageous that I am in awe of his drive towards authenticity. I learn from him every day.
What does the family with a transgender kid look like? It looks like this.
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